Why do I fight so hard?
Interesting things go through my head...
Hawk has mentioned that he would like me to eventually move to the farm. With him, and his wife. (Have I mentioned her before? I can't recall... She is semi-sub, can't handle pain, or the sexual side of being submissive... We are pretty good friends, as per Hawk's "request") Anyway... Being in a D/s relationship must be easier without children. I have a 6 year old son that prevents me from moving in with them. I don't want him raised that way, or exposed to the three-way relationship... Or even to see me living with someone I am not married to... So that must mean I am ashamed of it, somewhere inside, doesn't it?
I think it's just the fact that he's still married... Even though it doesn't bother his wife in the slightest, even after 3 1/2 years, it still bothers me, I guess.... Hawk tells me to "forget your archaic Methodist upbringing" and just go with how you really feel... But that is easier said than done.
Do I sound like I am making excuses? I lay awake in bed telling myself I am crazy for staying in such a relationship, one with so many things that make it so hard... When I know plenty of really nice men, and I could have a nice easy "normal" relationship with a SINGLE man...Why do I fight so hard for this relationship??? Life is hard enough already....
And yet, when I am with someone else, there is always something missing... Hawk has it all... Except accessibility, and the chance for permanency....
Hawk has mentioned that he would like me to eventually move to the farm. With him, and his wife. (Have I mentioned her before? I can't recall... She is semi-sub, can't handle pain, or the sexual side of being submissive... We are pretty good friends, as per Hawk's "request") Anyway... Being in a D/s relationship must be easier without children. I have a 6 year old son that prevents me from moving in with them. I don't want him raised that way, or exposed to the three-way relationship... Or even to see me living with someone I am not married to... So that must mean I am ashamed of it, somewhere inside, doesn't it?
I think it's just the fact that he's still married... Even though it doesn't bother his wife in the slightest, even after 3 1/2 years, it still bothers me, I guess.... Hawk tells me to "forget your archaic Methodist upbringing" and just go with how you really feel... But that is easier said than done.
Do I sound like I am making excuses? I lay awake in bed telling myself I am crazy for staying in such a relationship, one with so many things that make it so hard... When I know plenty of really nice men, and I could have a nice easy "normal" relationship with a SINGLE man...Why do I fight so hard for this relationship??? Life is hard enough already....
And yet, when I am with someone else, there is always something missing... Hawk has it all... Except accessibility, and the chance for permanency....
7 Comments:
I make my life complicated... I'll admit it... If I'd just stand up and do the things I know I should do,(like leave Hawk and every other married man alone) it wouldn't be complicated... I'm weak, I guess...
Don't ever say you are weak! Living through this shows you are very, very strong. Hawk has what you desire, what you need right now. I am in the same situation as yourself and I know it is hell. It is the fact there will be no permanance with him that drives me insane. I am talking the permanancy of being the alpha female in his life. For me that is just selfishness but it is very real. I can be very happy right now with my situation, I wouldn't change anything but at times I do crave more.
I have 3 children and it seems our POV on that are differant. I think it would benifit the children to have more adults to turn to when they need. I like the idea of poly relationships.
just my $.02
I really like your blog! I will visit often!
I am in the unenviable position of trying to balance my lifestyle with my religious beliefs... a very fine line of rationalizing is keeping me sane at the moment... that is why living with them would bother me so much... Hawk does have what I need right now... I almost hope that need goes away soon... life would be simpler...lol
if it's something you NEED, something you crave, Am, i dont think its going to go away... BUT, that doesnt mean that you need hawk. Is he the only person you've ever known who's fulfilled that need? i think often it is not the person themselves that we need so much as what we get from them. maybe you just need to look a little harder for someone else to fill the void.
as for your son, i'd have to say that i agree with you, it doesn't sound like an ideal situation for him. while its true that it may be good for him to have a 3rd adult around, i think he'd begin to question the relationship(s) and its all too confusing for someone his age...hell, its confusing for anyone to know where you fit in with other people, but especially a child. so, i'd have to say you're doing the right thing where he is concerned.
as for YOU...i know you desire what you get from hawk, but i've been reading for months (as you know) and even went back through archives and i just really dont feel like he's a good situation. of course, mine is not either so who am i to talk! lol
I think you deserve a man who is going to fit into your ideal lifestyle, which includes you being able to be in a full-time relationship with your child there too. Don't settle. You'll always, even if you love this Hawk intensely, be looking for that "ideal" that you'll always suspect is out there.
Ohhhh, Oooooooooooh, Oooooooooooooh
OH MY GOD, OHHHH MYYYY GOODDDDD! I wanna blow my load all over your submissive fact...OH......MONEY SHOT!
Nice to see my blog attracts such a mature audience...
*sigh*
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